A Change of Heart

Just finished watching the most gorgeous African sunset! The flying termites crawling out of the ground, like they do only a few times a year, and floating up into the sky like balloons, as the sun fell off the horizon. There is so much beauty here. The endless sky, the mango trees, the women with baskets on their heads and babies tied to their backs, smiles of perfectly straight teeth, the Zambian faces, and the smell of the air as the sun rises and sets. I made a soup tonight with the only food at the market besides the small dried fish. Greens, potatoes, tomato and onion. Besides the traditional meal of N'Shima and chicken, we eat bread, more bread, eggs, more eggs, and green apples. Oh and the occasional orange. I can't wait to have pasta, pizza, and a tuna fish sandwich when I get home. But it feels good to eat the local food, and what I couldn't eat I brought over to the "camp" outside the hospital where family members camp outside for days while they wait for their loved ones to get released from the hospital. Many walk here with broken legs and all sorts of ailments for miles they tell me.

I had to look at some things today. Received an email from a mentor of mine that had read my blog. She reminded me that I was being judgemental and critical of the the doctors and teacher/missionaries and that what I needed to do was extend to them love and compassion. She reminded me that they were just coming from a place of fear. She is right. And when I stopped in my tracks and tried to picture sending out love and acceptance and compassion to the people of Macha, I stopped abrubtly when I saw the doctor's faces. Why is it so hard for me to love them? So I'm continuing to try to work on this. I know I must do it. Try to love the very people I feel the most rejected by, and the most intolerant of. It hurts in my heart.

I was also encouraged to adopt the affirmation, "My presence is enough". This feels right to me. There's so much pressure from the world to set high goals, and so much pressure to achieve them. Can't I just be?!?! Is not just being here enough? Participating in the bigger plan and not getting caught up in the day to day achievements that are quickly forgotten anyway. But I want those day to day achievements, and I want to accomplish what I set out to do. I want to feel like it's my accomplishment. It's so ungratifying to think, "Oh fantastic. Today I accomplished everything I was suppose to for the greater good of the planet, and I don't know what any of it is, because it's nothing I planned or thought up." But I suppose that's how it's suppose to be, if you remember that nothing is really yours to take credit for anyway.

So I'm in bed now. All sorts of new bugs joining me tonight. I guess I will surrender to their presence. There are many strange creatures here after the rains. Kevin and I stopped in our tracks all day to stare at them. I guess that's what happens when a region only gets one short rainy season a year. Because the rain came, and this is a rural village, everyone is busy planting and preparing the fields, though they need more rain for the seeds to survive. The N'Swa (aka flying termites) came last night by the thousands and invaded Macha. I couldnt' believe my eyes. The plague!!! The bugs beat so hard against the windows that it sounded like rain. They make their way under doors and between window panes to get in the house toward the light. The locals gathered them this morning, took their wings off and fried them up. I was offered some, but I passed. I know, I'm so unadventurous. Tomorrow I will teach ballet at 12 and 5, and talk to people about BodyTalk, even though I hate to. Why can't it be easier? Why can't it be the way I picture it in my head? I don't know. But I believe in it more than most people believe in anything, and it's helped me and my clients too much to just keep it to myself. Wish me luck!